zeroinspiration.com

“There are two mistakes that can happen along the road to truth–not going all the way and not starting”
~The Buddah.

I recently met a young man who is actively seeking a career in motivational speaking. As he and I were talking, it quickly became clear we agreed on a good number of points ranging from public speaking, to personal development, to our approach to life, and so on. In that brief exchange, the only thing we seemed to disagree upon was our approach to knowing who God was. The young man stated he didn’t want to invest time in figuring out the unknowable. That’s fine, I thought; that’s just where he’s at.

Following that conversation, I questioned myself, however. After all, doesn’t it sometimes feel like an exercise in futility when we begin to try and understand God and the nature of Divinity? What’s more is, who is to say we’re even right when we think we’ve hit upon a truth!? How do we know? Can we?

Well, it was here I arrived at my deep inner desire to know God and to know my own nature–and the nature of all things, as a result. For me, it all begins with knowing God. Know God and all else will be revealed. Through knowing God, we will know how the stars and planets and universe work. Through knowing God, we will know the why’s and how’s of the world around us. We will understand the seasons, evolution and the life and death of it all. We will understand why our parents, teachers, priests, leaders, family and friends were who they were. We will understand who we are. We will know why we are.

Albert Einstein says, “I want to know how God thinks. The rest is just details.” For me, quite often, it’s the details I get caught in. It’s the details I allow to weigh me down. It’s the details to which I attach myself. It’s the day-to-day grind, the high’s and low’s, the drama and fantasy of life; that’s the stuff I find myself focusing much of my attention and energy upon. That is the roller-coaster I step off when I slow down, take time for myself and look quietly inward. And it’s in those moments where I feel closest to God.  In the silence and calmness. In the “just being”.

Second to this, for me, is the sharing of insights of a spiritual nature. When I have a deep, powerful, connected conversation that raises both the other person and myself, I feel ecstatic! Thrilled! I’m back on the roller-coaster, sure, but it’s a great place to be in that moment! It feels inspired, God-centered and whole. In Matthew 18:20, Christ says, “Where two or three are gathered together in my name, there I am.” Have you ever felt this phenomenon? I do it all the time now and–as I speak more about Divinity–more people come up to me to share their own experiences. On top of that, the more of these conversations I have, the more I see Divinity’s Presence in the world around me. And, the more aware I am of Divinity around me, the more centered in Divinity I feel.

Epilogue: After my counseling session with Dr. Christopher today, I was walking out of the community church where these meetings are held. The building is set up in such a way one can access the conference area downstairs or the classrooms upstairs without ever seeing the chapel. In fact, I had never seen the chapel before this afternoon, having apparently walked past it several dozen times. On my way out today, however, I looked up and noticed the printing over a doorway that leads down a darkened hall. What I noticed for the first time were the symbols “Α” and “Ω”; the statement that God is the Alpha and the Omega–the Beginning and the End. I saw blue light coming from a room down the hall, so I followed it and discovered the large, empty chapel. The blue light was from the stained glass that lined the walls. The chapel was modest, even down to simple wooden chairs for the clergy, saving the ornate for the massive set of organ pipes that filled the front wall. I stopped for a moment to soak in the stillness, then walked to the front and sat down in the third pew from the front. There I sat in silence for a bit. I considered the contents of the altar, where stood a simple metal cross and a bible, displayed open, upright and facing the congregation. I stood, genuflected, and approached the altar. This was the first line I read:

Psalms 27:8 – When Thou saidst, “Seek ye My face,” my heart said unto Thee, “Thy face, LORD, will I seek.”

And so I will.

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Hi, guys.  Good morning.  Thank you for having me here today.  You have a wonderful role in paying witness to my story for a short while today and I appreciate that.

I’ve been going through something of a shift lately, to use Wayne Dyer’s terminology. I’ve discovered that there’s this book out there called The Shift, and apparently what Wayne has begun talking about is this movement from ambition into spirituality and what this turning point looks like.  I haven’t read the book or seen the movie, but it’s been brought to my attention a number of times and I’ve noticed in life–when things pop up on your radar a couple of times over the course of a week–you may want to listen; someone is trying to tell you something. It’s a little bit of serendipity there that I’ve been trying to be more tuned into as I’ve gone through my journey of life. There’s been times where it’s just come out and smacked me across the face and then there’s been other times where it’s been much more subtle.

Well, here I am, and the reason why I am here standing in front you is because I’m trying to listen more to that serendipity and listen more to the intuition that’s coming out.

I have Roman Catholic roots and, as a child, my mother was an Irish, red-headed, Roman Catholic, single mother of three and she ruled with an ironclad fist. She worked very hard to put us through Catholic school (private school) and so we were taught religion at a very young age. As children, we’re brought into this belief system; we’re just indoctrinated into it and told “This is what you believe.” It isn’t until you get to be in your teenage years–maybe your young adult years–where you start to question everything around you. You start to wonder why it is you believe what it is you’ve been taught and that’s if you’re lucky. Some of us may make it all the way through our lives believing the same thing, just continuing on, knowing everybody else on the planet is wrong, thinking “My belief system is the only way to go.”

As I began to question “Who is God” and “What does He really want from me,” you come up against a place where you’ve got to believe this, otherwise (in Catholicism) you’re going to Hell.  That’s kind of heavy. Of course, we don’t even know what Hell is. You’ve never been hit with three seconds of Hell. You’ve never been hit with 30 seconds or three minutes or three hours or three days, or whatever the length of time it would take you to really get a sense of “Oh, this is Hell. I don’t want to be here so I’m not ever going to deviate from The Path.  I’m going to fly right for the rest of my days.” We don’t have that.

So, to be given this doctrine to follow and say, “You follow this or else”–it didn’t sit well with me as a teenager and, so, I began to ask questions.  I began to talk to people and I loved to get into theological debates at the time. There was one conversation I had with a co-worker of mine (I worked at McDonald’s as a kid.) We were doing our McDonald’s stuff and we got into this debate, what do you believe and why do you believe this. Turned out she was a Jehovah’s Witness and I didn’t know this.  I had never met a Jehovah’s Witness before. (They seem like nice people.)

She said, “Well, all right, you believe in Heaven and Hell, right?”

I said, “Well, yes, yes, I guess so, yes, from what I know; that’s what I’ve been taught.”

She said, “Well can you possibly believe that any parent–capable of unconditional love–is going to condemn their child to eternal damnation?”

I said, “Well, it does seem kind of incongruent doesn’t it?”

There’s the whole unconditional love but if you don’t follow this–and by the way, you’ve never been punished before but if you don’t follow these rules you’re going to get the ultimate punishment: fire and brimstone (whatever you believe Hell is)–this is going to be it for you for the rest of your eternity.  That’s kind of stiff.

And, so, I started questioning this and that was a key moment for me.  Later, I ended up taking it another step further. If you’ve never been shown what the punishment is, how can it mean anything? How can you have that impetus? It’s got to come from within, sure. You’ve got this doctrine. You’ve got Ten Commandments and maybe you’re following them and maybe you’re not. I was always good about a few of them, the lying and cheating and stealing and that kind of stuff but going to church on Sunday not as much and some of these other.

So you try your best, and actually, I’ve got a friend of mine, she and I just had an off-the-charts conversation where–she’s been struggling.  She’s trying to find her own way. She was actually led back to the Bible through metaphysical means.  Just messages that had come to her, hey you need to–or metaphysical (what I’m going to call metaphysical) serendipity kind of led her back to you need to look at the Bible. So she got into the Bible and–you know there are places in the Bible where you can get stuck. When it talks about slavery is a good idea or marry your sister; that’s the Old Testament stuff. I cautioned her to draw a line at much of the Old Testament stuff. Christ’s teachings; there’s a core, there’s a kernel. Devour it because that stuff–I haven’t seen anything wrong with Christ teachings–but yes; watch out for the Old Testament.

Through this course of this conversation she and I went up and up and up in this kind of this spiritual feedback, and it was that conversation that got me thinking I want more of that. I want to go out and I want to talk to people, and I want to have these conversations with people because as I was bringing clarity (or some sort of calmness) to what she was going through I was feeling exhilarated. I was feeling a connection. I was feeling, “Wow, this is something I want to do more of. This is a God-inspired moment.” I even came close to crying at one point during that conversation because I believe in what Christ had tried to provide us by His example. Yet there’s these moments in your life where you don’t think you can do it.

I know for me, years ago, I got myself worked up over a book. My mom had sent it to me and it was a book that had in it pictures of the stigmata.  It had pictures of the Children of Guadalupe receiving visions from the Holy Mother Mary. This book talked about the end of days and some of the revelations that came out through those visions and–I got myself worked up. I was reading this book at night, in my little studio apartment down in Florida, alone, and I terrified myself. I called up my mom close to tears and said, “Mom, how do I know I’m on the right path?  How do I know? I’ve got it in me! I know I could pick up and leave everything and go to the other side of the planet and administer the poor, heal the infirmed… I’ve got it in me. I know I’ve got it in me.  I don’t want to do that. Is God asking me to do that? Is Christ asking me to do that? I’ve got it in me, so all I’m doing is saying no.”

She said, probably the best thing she could have said when you’re child is 3,000 miles away and freaked out on the phone because they think they’re maybe being called to the other side of the planet to do the Mother Teresa thing. She said, “Matthew, you have been given a specific set of talents. It is your highest calling to use those talents to the best of your ability and make a change or make a difference in people’s lives with those talents.  Certainly, I’m not going to stop you, if you want to run to the other side of the planet and administer to those less fortunate than yourself but… relax.” And I did, I relaxed, I was like “Whew, okay. Alright, I’ll relax a little bit.”

But don’t we have that in us?  Don’t we all have that in us?  If Christ were to walk in the door right now and say, “Follow me,” would we be able to do it?

I don’t know. Now I’m even more entrenched in this life than I was back when I lived down in Florida. I’ve got the family, I’ve got friends, I’ve got a j-o-b, I’ve got a company. Could I follow Christ if he was–and if you knew it was Christ, if you knew, would you be jumping out of the boat and paddling to shore? I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do that. I would want to believe that I would and I could, especially, once you got hit with that “This is Christ” or “This is God.”

So, I don’t know. What I have opted for on a daily basis when I’m making this daily decision what to do, where to go, how to best follow in the path that lays in front of me, is I try to see God in everything. You’ve got these satori moments where you really know in your heart you’re seeing a glimpse of God. Whether it’s in the operating room and your third child has just been born and you’ve got this little bundle of waxy, crying, baby right there for the first time and it’s the first time you’ve seen this child. You’ve been talking to the child for the last ten months, (it’s not nine months, it’s ten months, folks) and this is the first time you’ve seen that child.  That’s a God moment, for me.

It could be on a dreary, cloudy day, just walking out in the cold air and nothing in particular happening, you’re just feeling the cold air on your face; that could be your God moment.

For me, as I began to prepare this talk, I began to think of all these sorts of stories that I might tell and I even wrote a couple down and been kind of blogging and that kind of stuff but I was beating myself up, thinking, “No, this isn’t it.”

There’s a little recorder that a mentor of mine offered me. I was working with this tool and getting used to it. It’s got a little time stamp on it, regardless of whether its on or off, you put batteries in it and it tells you the time.  Well, I never set the time on this thing and I sat down last night to kind of go through the spiel and the time stamp had 222 on it. Now for those of you who know anything about me, you know I’ve been sucked into number patterns for about seven, eight years now. Don’t know what they mean necessarily, but they seem to occur.  Like I had my grandfather died on November 11th, at 11:11.  Just weird patterns and numbers and when I’m in the thick of a spiritual something, I’ll be asking a question or something like just wondering and I’ll hit on a revelation or something and a car will drive by me and there’s a license plate that says 1919 or 333 or just a weird little sign to which I think, “Okay, I’ll just take it as that.”

Well, this little device said 222 on it and I’m like, “Okay, all right, it’s all about this talk, 222.” Well, my wife–years ago–had given me this book, Doreen Virtue, Numbers of Angels or Angel Numbers or whatever the title–I actually brought it here today. It essentially said, under 222 (you can look up all these numbers from zero to 999,) “They’ll get the message they need to get.”

Alright God! We’re just going to go out there, we’re just going to let it all hang out!

So I think my give to you in this little chat is: I think we’re all students of life, and I think we’re all making our way, even when we’re wondering whether or not we’re on the right path, we’re on the right path. I would say when you have these coincidences that pop up in your life or you hear the title of a book a couple of times in a row…

I just had this experience again; Food, Inc. Has anybody seen Food, Inc. yet? You will never look at chicken the same. I gave that experience. I was the third one in line to mention Food Inc. to somebody the other day and over the course of their week and I said, “Oh you need to listen to that. Go get it. It’s going to mean something to you.”

When you see these patterns try not to drive yourself crazy with them, obviously, but pay attention and ask. If you’re wondering what the patterns mean, follow them, especially if it’s something is innocuous as “Go get this book” or “Go watch this documentary.”

Listen to it; that’s my encouragement to you. Just listen to it. Look within, listen to the message when it comes up and if you’re wondering what the sign is supposed to be about–ask the question and I bet you get that answer too.

Thank you.

Shakespeare's Monkey

“The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare.

“In this context, ‘almost surely’ is a mathematical term with a precise meaning, and the ‘monkey’ is not an actual monkey, but a metaphor for an abstract device that produces a random sequence of letters ad infinitum. The theorem illustrates the perils of reasoning about infinity by imagining a vast but finite number, and vice versa. The probability of a monkey exactly typing a complete work such as Shakespeare’s Hamlet is so tiny that the chance of it occurring during a period of time of the order of the age of the universe is minuscule, but not zero.

“Variants of the theorem include multiple and even infinitely many typists, and the target text varies between an entire library and a single sentence.” (Source: “Infinite monkey theorem”. Wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infinite_monkey_theorem. Retrieved 2010-03-09.)

Lecturers and students from the University of Plymouth wanted to test the claim that an infinite number of monkeys given typewriters would create the works of Shakespeare.

A single computer was placed in a monkey enclosure at Paignton Zoo to monitor the literary output of six primates.

But after a month, the six Sulawesi crested macaque monkeys – Elmo, Gum, Heather, Holly, Mistletoe and Rowan – had only succeeded in partially destroying the machine, using it as a lavatory, and producing five pages of text which consisted mainly of the letter “s”.

“The project, by students from the university’s MediaLab Arts course, received £2,000 from the Arts Council. The work was interesting but had little scientific value, except to show that the ‘infinite monkey’ theory is flawed.” said Dr Amy Plowman, Paignton Zoo scientific officer.

(Source: “No words to describe monkeys’ play”. BBC News. 2003-05-09. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/3013959.stm. Retrieved 2010-03-09.)

I believe God uses synchronicity and coincidence to speak to us. I don’t believe God’s Word has been encapsulated and is therefore limited to the pages of a single book. Of course, this opinion this may get me into trouble with some folks, however I have to confess I see evidence of Divinity at work everywhere, all the time. To be more direct, I believe God is in everything, everywhere–otherwise there is a limit on God, is there not?

To this last point, years ago I dove into a passionate theological debate with the older brother of a very dear friend of mine. Actually, the brother happened to be a father; a ordained Roman Catholic priest. I told him my understanding of God-Divinity included omnipresence; God is everywhere. He agreed–at first. Then, holding up a piece of silverware, I took him to, “God is this fork.” That did it.

“Nonono. God is not the fork, but only through God can the fork exist,” he said.

I said, “Well then there is something God isn’t, and therefore God has limits, and frankly, I just don’t believe that’s true.”

Around and around we went, each trying to convince the other. It was a wonderful bout of theological tug-of-war. Our other friends in our dinner party would occasionally listen in, but none wanted to commit to getting messy with us.

My priest friend agreed God was limitless and all powerful, but we never reached an agreement that God’s limits didn’t stop at the surface of that fork. I’m sure I ended up on his prayer list after that.

Over the years, I have had the good fortune of ending up on many prayer lists. This usually happens–not often during the dark times in my life–but more when a friend feels I’m off in the bushes, spiritually. For instance, when my wife and I became pregnant with our first child, I was added to a prayer list or two, mostly because those who knew us figured we were heading toward a train wreck. At that time, we had only dated a month and a half and our nubile relationship had been fiery and tempestuous. In fact, my wife had fully intended to break up with me on the day she found out she was pregnant. We had a raging fight the previous evening, which climaxed in the slamming my front door as she left for her apartment across town. Alone, I paced the house trying to decide whether to call or not to call. After 10 minutes, I concluded I would call. I picked up the phone, dialed her number, and heard someone dialing the phone in my ear.

“Hello?” she said.

“Hello,” I returned.

“Whoa. That’s creepy. I just picked up the phone–it never rang.”

(As she would confess later, she wasn’t calling me–she was calling her ex-fiancé, whom had only been her ex-fiancé for about two months. Do the math. Indeed, synchronicity seemed to have reached out and placed me in front of her. The timing was perfect. She told me had I called a moment before or a moment later, she would have refused to pick up the phone.)

I said I wanted to come over to her apartment to talk. She hesitantly agreed. (This was before years of counseling would teach me about the futility of pursuing during storms.)

Suffice it to say the face-to-face approach–while tensions were so high–did little to mend the rift between us that night. I eventually said the wrong thing and she asked me to leave amidst sobbing and tears.

[At this point in our story, you should know my wife had been recently told by a psychic friend she would be pregnant by the end of summer. This same friend had already correctly predicted the end to Grace's engagement (which had been met with incredulity,) so Grace was already watching for any incoming babies.]

The next morning marked the last day of summer that year. I believe it was September 21, 2004. I received a call at 7:30 that morning. She said, “There’s two lines.” I had no idea what she was talking about and she had not yet told me about this prediction. I thought for a moment she was referring to lines drawn in the sand. She was forced to clarify.

“I took a pregnancy test. There’s two lines.”

“Oh. I’ll be right over.”

By 7:45, I was sitting on the edge of her couch with the oracular “pee-stick” in my hands and what I saw confirmed it: two lines.

As I discovered, all sorts of thoughts rush in at a time like this. I hail from good, conservative Catholic stock. No doubt this pregnancy-out-of-wedlock would rock the family with scandal. I felt a number of things all at once. Among those feelings were astonishment, shame, alarm and budding resignation, in that order. As we talked about what to do next, the only thing that was clear in that moment was that I was going to be a father, God willing. Grace knew my staunch pro-life views and later would ask how I would have dealt with things had we not decided to stick together in the relationship, especially if she had not wanted to keep the baby. I told her I would have asked her to carry to full term and then I would have taken the child off her hands and made the best of being a single parent. She was apparently pleased by this.

We walked into work side-by-side that morning. Her apartment was only two blocks away from our office building. Throughout the day, we would email each other. At one point, we walked over to St. Mary’s cathedral, sat in the echoing silence and prayed. Afterward, we went outside and sat on the steps. It was that moment I think we decided to make a serious go of our relationship. We made plans to visit Target that evening and pick up a wonderful book called “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” Within a month, we also began seeing a professional counselor with the intent of working through our childhood junk so we might stabilize as a couple.

That was over five years and three kids ago. At the time of this writing, we’re pregnant with Number Four. We attended counseling for years, sometimes as a couple, but more often on our own. We’ve read books on parenting. We’ve watched shows on parenting. We’ve even taken a class on parenting. We love our children very much and are keenly aware of the herculean responsibility that comes along with bringing them into this world. We try our best and we try not to beat ourselves up when we fall short (and we do.)

Would I have ever seen my life going down this path? No. But just as I believe God is the fork, I also believe God is the journey and while I may not have foreseen this particular fork in the road, I certainly see Divine Design all through it.

Thank you to all of those who have ever placed me on their prayer lists.

I think it’s working.

So I walked out of the house one frozen morning last Tuesday thinking, “I’m going to be in meetings until 2PM today–I should grab some apples.” Well, we didn’t have any apples to grab on this particular day. We almost always have some in stock at our house and on most days I eat two, but alas, we were out on this day. So what’s a guy (who is already running late for his networking meeting) to do? Well, I wistfully daydreamed of having one of those monster-sized Michigan-grown honeycrisps and made a soft resolution to stop by Kroger’s on the way back to the office after my last meeting ended. Then I forgot about the whole apple affair and drove to my first meeting.

Wouldn’t you know it, but as I sat down for the second meeting (the Mental Makeover class, led by Dr. Christopher Henley,) Dr. Christopher reaches over the table and places a monster-sized apple in front of me!!! I shouted in surprise, held the apple over my head in victory and exclaimed, “I’VE MANIFESTED!”

I mean, how often do you get given an apple during the normal course of your day? Never.

Unless, of course, you call it in.

Canon's Bear

So, my wife and I are pregnant with our fourth child. We just found out last week and are quite excited about it. While our son, Gabriel, has been telling us for months now that “Canon” was coming, we only really committed to the idea of having a fourth child in November. Grace was a little disappointed when we discovered we weren’t pregnant in December (pregnancy seems to come very easily for us, so our expectation was realistic.) Right about the same time, Gabriel also said, “Canon isn’t coming this time; he decided to wait.”

Well, now it’s official: Canon is here. On the same day Grace got the positive test results, she went into work later in the morning and discovered–to our amazement–a quarter-sized, blue teddy bear made of ceramic had been placed on a shelf in her cube. No note, no explanation. When she asked around the office, no one claimed the bear. The bear’s origins remain a mystery. This was last week.

Today, Grace and I spoke briefly and I admitted to not wanting to talk about Canon’s arrival until after a month had gone by. I realized this was out of character for us (Grace usually spills the beans within 24 hours of finding out, so I’ve never had to really consider when to tell anyone.) We agreed I would tell my mom, so I called her up and told her the news while she was standing in the middle of the supermarket picking up groceries for my grandmother. She voiced the appropriate level of gushings, offered congratulations and we parted ways. Within two minutes, however, she called back. She said she had just made a connection to waking vision of the Virgin Mother who–in the vision–held a newborn baby swaddled in a light blue blanket. The Virgin Mary had kissed the child on the cheek and presented the baby for my mother to see. Turns out, this vision occurred less than two hours prior to my phone call, as my mother drove into town (she often fills her travel time with dedicated prayer, and usually it’s the Rosary.)

I don’t know about you, but I’m betting it’s a boy.

p.s.- While I’m okay with it, Grace is set against naming the baby “Canon”. “Graham Harrison” is the name we have been settled on for the last two pregnancies, so that is the lead contender thus far.

Just had a “Cousins’ Day” with a favorite cousin of mine where she or I will travel to one another’s respective neck of the woods and simply spend the day knocking around town, always beginning with breakfast. Well, in our reporting out, I told her how I have been going through another cycle of feeling like I’ve been working too hard for too long and that there HAS got to be an easier way. I’ve been looking for answers (contracting more, streamlining, even considering network marketing models) and all the while I am burning myself out. This week, I took off four consecutive evenings from working on my business; this is a lot for me and the current workload. I wonder if it’s the holidays (alt. holi-daze) that begins this cycle of discontent? As in, take a break for a few days and now it’s a matter of “objects at rest tend to stay at rest?”

This is the second year in a row I have really had a “come to Jesus” meeting with my entrepreneurial efforts. Last year, I put things down long enough to start a whole new company as I simultaneously began negotiations with a strategic partner/competitor/friend of mine for him to take over my web business. It only took a month or two and the feeling passed, but in those two months, I started a new company in a new industry. Though it’s still active as a small renewable energy certificate reseller, the departing flurry of initiative that gave birth to that company has long since let it go adrift.

So, I’m still searching. I’m searching for an easier way–a smarter way. My body needs sleep, after all, and staying up until 1, 2, sometimes 3AM only to get up at 6-6:30AM with the kids so I can go work for The Man is NOT my cup of tea.

But, I chose it, right? Shoot, I choose it every day, apparently. Bugger.

This searching is what led me to Dr. Christopher. I ran into Chemo–a true local icon–one day at a nearby cafe. We exchanged pleasantries and he asked me how business was going. I told him it was going almost too well. Business was (and continues) to come in, hand over fist, and the challenge is not bringing in more–it’s how to properly handle the work we’ve got! He said, “Oh, you’ve got to talk to Dr. Christopher. She’s really good, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah.” He scratched a time, location and the good doctor’s name on a random piece of paper and told me to go to this networking meeting and seek her out. I said thanks, pocketed the info and from there it would be relegated to the bottom of the piles of paperwork that litter my desk at home.

A few months went by and one night, after I finished putting my one year old daughter to bed (she is the youngest of our three kids under five,) my wife called me into our bedroom. She had her tarot cards out and insisted on practicing on me. I went along with it. At one point, near the end of this impromptu reading, she says, “Looks like you’re going to have a mentor… probably a woman… does that ring any bells?” I said no at the time but the only thing that came to mind was that note Chemo gave me. I dug it out of the stack that night and followed up on it the next day. After a couple phone calls, I was scheduled to go to visit a local networking group on the other side of town.

Turns out, Dr. Christopher works with EFT, a.k.a. Emotional Freedom Technique, a method of tapping on the body’s energy medians (think acupuncture without the needles.) She does this with a focus on clearing the blocks we experience in business and in the pursuit of abundance. The meeting ran its course and at the end of it, she approached me and told me we needed to talk. She did not yet know I was there to see her (or, at least, I hadn’t told her this yet.)

It turns out, she is in the process of architecting a business of her own and she is interested in maintaining my web services as a cornerstone in that effort. Of course, I’m wallowing in the gutter of my own burn-out, so she and I are working through that currently.

How goes the search? Maybe the answer is the project Dr. Christopher is working on. Maybe it is a change that occurs in my own business. Maybe it is something altogether new and undiscovered. I don’t know. What I do know is I’m still searching.

I told my cousin all this over breakfast. After we finished eating, we opted to go find a bookstore. Her boss had recommended the popular, out-of-print sales book “Swim With The Sharks Without Being Eaten Alive” by Harvey Mackay. I drove us to the other side of town to a large mall. We could have gone to the one that was only five minutes away, but we didn’t. We trucked all the way across town, wove our way around the mall to the side where the Schuler’s was waiting, and as we pulled into a spot in one of the furthest corners of the parking lot, I gasped, rolled down the window and said, “Dr. Christopher!!” as she was walking to her car. I introduced my cousin, we made a quick hi-g’bye, parted ways and I turned to my cousin and said something along the lines of, “Holy sh!t.” We were both a little stunned at the cosmic implications of what had just happened. I’m still not entirely sure what it means, but you can bet my eyes and ears are open.

As for my cousin’s book hunting, it was fruitless at the mall. Once she told me the title of the sales book had something to do with “swimming with sharks”, I guessed what it was. Turns out, I had an old copy of the very book. I acquired it in a trade for a couple large landscaping rocks (a.k.a. “character rocks”) years ago.

Serendipity all over the place.

(Originally written 09/18/07)

Tonight I had a session with Francine.  I started off by telling her how bankruptcy proceedings went.  All in all, I would say they went pretty well.  Everything was short and too the point, as the courtroom was packed with stoic, glass-eyed transients waiting to have their credit reduced to ashes.

While I was waiting for my turn, I began thinking about bankruptcy and all that had transpired to bring me to that exact moment and place in my life.  I emotionally flatlined on this thought, initially; I was—after all—next in line and wanted to keep my head clear.  It wasn’t until I was shuttled through the barrage of brief questions, made nice with my lawyer, and stepped into the echoing air of a very empty St. Mary’s Cathedral that I really started to feel the weight of my position in life.

I guess I just feel like I’m not enough.  I worry about being a good enough father to my children.  What kind of example am I?  Am I giving them enough attention?  Am I teaching them the right things?  Am I doing all that I can to give them every advantage in this world?  Will they turn out to be well-rounded, happy people?

I worry about being enough for my wife.  I worry about giving her enough time and then, on top of that, enough attention; enough romance—sometimes simply just being man enough for her.  She deserves to be loved, but will I have enough love in me to give?  Is there enough to go around?

I wonder about being enough in the business world to succeed.  After all, this most recent year seemed to leave a trail of broken deadlines and eroded relationships with clients and contractors alike.  By all appearances, I’m good at fooling people on the front end, but once they’ve signed contracts, eventually things unravel.  It was pretty consistent in 2006.  Deadlines or obligations fell down.  Contractors—both locally and overseas—fell down; what could I have done to prevent that?  (Funny, as I write this, I realize that the name of the overseas contractor is also the name of the music CD to listen to today.  I never played it, but it’s sitting next to me on the desk.)

Ultimately, I feel like I’ve been struggling for a very long time.  The Holy Grail I’ve been striving for?  “Financial independence,” I tell myself.  “Security.”  “Freedom.”  Noble trappings, certainly, but how successful have I been, for all the blood, sweat and tears over the years?  In real estate investing?  In numerous the numerous failed or small-potatoes web design company start-up’s?  I feel like I work incredibly hard and have incredibly little to show for it.  Sure, I have stories.  (I haven’t figured out the way to pay the bills on those yet, but I’m sure I’ll try it for a while at some point.)   I’ve had massive financial losses.  I’ve had evictions, foreclosures, and meetings with lawyers (who sometimes conveniently barter for web work.)  I’ve had business partners go bad (and eventually die) when they discovered cocaine.  I’ve had trusted salespeople try to steal my clients away to the competition.  I’ve had tours of my income properties with the local police department as they searched for drug paraphernalia.  I’ve had properties destroyed by tenants.

So, after all this, I guess I’m wondering, “Where’s mine?”  I have a beautiful family, I have my health, and all my friends and family are around me.  I am blessed; I know this.  So, why can I not be still?  Why don’t I just lay in front of the TV after the kids have gone to bed (okay, some nights I do) and go to bed at a reasonable hour like everybody else I know?  Will all my striving eventually lead to something of substance for me, my family, my clients (and dare I say it, the world), or is everything I touch destined to be a slew of work that gets set down in a year or two, in lieu of the next effort?  Labor-intensive and as temporary as footprints in the sand; why do I bother at all?

Such was my mindset as I drove home after praying to God that—if I wasn’t on the right track—may correction and redirection be swift—as in, by the end of the week.  My wife, no doubt sensed this from across town, and called, proceeding to give me the best rah-rah speech I have ever received.  Grace told me about how thankful she was that it was me she hooked up with.  She drew a comparison to her past almost-marriage and pointed to us as the source of aliveness and growth.  She recognized my hard work and she told me she was proud of me.  She told me she loved me even when she was piping-hot mad at me.  She told me I was a good father.  I cried quietly so she wouldn’t hear.

I told Francine all of this.  I also told her how I went to church this weekend.  Not a Catholic church—a non-denominational; the “church with all the flags”, Mt. Hope.  There is some prologue to this church we’re going to skip for right now, but suffice it to say I wanted a connection here.  I knew they had a pastor who was a talented speaker and I didn’t want to have a homily read to me like I experienced last time I went to my Catholic church.  I wanted a message.

Pulling into the parking lot, I noticed the street number was 202.  I told Francine about my infatuation with xyx patterns, which was apparently new ground for us.  Upon parking, I walked past a van that obviously had the distinct pleasure of belonging to a very enthusiastic couple (Amber + Josh, it said) who had just gotten married.  The windows were covered in soap graffiti.  One window in particular held an image that was out of place for a church parking lot on Sunday morning.  A heart had been drawn over, being mischievously converted into a pentagram that pointed down.  I walked in anyways.

Once the service started, it was three long, energizing songs, followed by the taking up of the collection.  (Isn’t this supposed to happen AFTER the sermon?)  Well, the head pastor was there, but he introduced a visiting pastor who began to speak to putting your faith into action—in the form of tithing.  This wasn’t just any tithing—this was tithing to the church as the hand of God in the community.  This speaker had a great collection of statistics to back his argument up.  He spoke about how tithing has fallen considerably since 2002.  He gave the breakdown across denominations.  He pulled from the Bible to illustrate the error of our ways.

It was during this tirade that I happened to look over at a young couple sitting two benches in front of me (I don’t think they’re referred to as “pews” when the celebration is held in an auditorium.)  The guy was wearing a beige polo, which wasn’t notable, but the logo—usually located on the left breast of a polo shirt—was on the shoulder.  What’s more, the embroidered logo was a little red devil, clutching his gut with laughter.

That was enough for me.  I got up and left, mid-sermon.  A young man with a pronounced limp hobbled from his station by the door to open it for me.  I thanked him and felt better once I was on the road home.

In line behind the Divine

So I’ve been studying Ho’oponopono lately, right?  Love it.  Trying to trust it.  Yes, my western mind looks for immediate results.  I “clean” everyday now, mostly using the mantra, “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you.”  I’ve been using it in my relationships as I talk with people, as I’m driving to and from work, before I drift off to bed–even as I’m simply walking across parking lots.  As results go, I’ve seen little things here and there.  Dr. Hew Len says to expect “doo-doo” to come up as a result of doing this work and respond by cleaning, cleaning, cleaning.  Indeed, doo-doo has been coming up.  For instance, shortly after I clean, I’ve seen odd arguments flare up between my wife and I.  From the standpoint of a silent observer, these fights seem to go into autopilot once they bloom, taking on a life of their own.  Both of us seem mindless–not present.  Driven by something else?

Memories.

In any case, once we disengage from battle, I clean.  I find she has been coming back to the table to re-establish peace quickly–within an hour or two.  In the past, she would stew over such bickering for days.  Or–I guess–this has been the memory I have shared with her.  I, too, let our fights roll off my back quicker than ever before.  Ho’oponopono at work?

Today, on my way into work, I was cleaning as I now regularly do.  I moved into the lane behind a delivery truck with a large image of what looked like a shampoo bottle with a wine label on it (if that makes any sense.)  The title of the product?

“Divine”

I’ll take it I’m on the right track.