zeroinspiration.com

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Hi, guys.  Good morning.  Thank you for having me here today.  You have a wonderful role in paying witness to my story for a short while today and I appreciate that.

I’ve been going through something of a shift lately, to use Wayne Dyer’s terminology. I’ve discovered that there’s this book out there called The Shift, and apparently what Wayne has begun talking about is this movement from ambition into spirituality and what this turning point looks like.  I haven’t read the book or seen the movie, but it’s been brought to my attention a number of times and I’ve noticed in life–when things pop up on your radar a couple of times over the course of a week–you may want to listen; someone is trying to tell you something. It’s a little bit of serendipity there that I’ve been trying to be more tuned into as I’ve gone through my journey of life. There’s been times where it’s just come out and smacked me across the face and then there’s been other times where it’s been much more subtle.

Well, here I am, and the reason why I am here standing in front you is because I’m trying to listen more to that serendipity and listen more to the intuition that’s coming out.

I have Roman Catholic roots and, as a child, my mother was an Irish, red-headed, Roman Catholic, single mother of three and she ruled with an ironclad fist. She worked very hard to put us through Catholic school (private school) and so we were taught religion at a very young age. As children, we’re brought into this belief system; we’re just indoctrinated into it and told “This is what you believe.” It isn’t until you get to be in your teenage years–maybe your young adult years–where you start to question everything around you. You start to wonder why it is you believe what it is you’ve been taught and that’s if you’re lucky. Some of us may make it all the way through our lives believing the same thing, just continuing on, knowing everybody else on the planet is wrong, thinking “My belief system is the only way to go.”

As I began to question “Who is God” and “What does He really want from me,” you come up against a place where you’ve got to believe this, otherwise (in Catholicism) you’re going to Hell.  That’s kind of heavy. Of course, we don’t even know what Hell is. You’ve never been hit with three seconds of Hell. You’ve never been hit with 30 seconds or three minutes or three hours or three days, or whatever the length of time it would take you to really get a sense of “Oh, this is Hell. I don’t want to be here so I’m not ever going to deviate from The Path.  I’m going to fly right for the rest of my days.” We don’t have that.

So, to be given this doctrine to follow and say, “You follow this or else”–it didn’t sit well with me as a teenager and, so, I began to ask questions.  I began to talk to people and I loved to get into theological debates at the time. There was one conversation I had with a co-worker of mine (I worked at McDonald’s as a kid.) We were doing our McDonald’s stuff and we got into this debate, what do you believe and why do you believe this. Turned out she was a Jehovah’s Witness and I didn’t know this.  I had never met a Jehovah’s Witness before. (They seem like nice people.)

She said, “Well, all right, you believe in Heaven and Hell, right?”

I said, “Well, yes, yes, I guess so, yes, from what I know; that’s what I’ve been taught.”

She said, “Well can you possibly believe that any parent–capable of unconditional love–is going to condemn their child to eternal damnation?”

I said, “Well, it does seem kind of incongruent doesn’t it?”

There’s the whole unconditional love but if you don’t follow this–and by the way, you’ve never been punished before but if you don’t follow these rules you’re going to get the ultimate punishment: fire and brimstone (whatever you believe Hell is)–this is going to be it for you for the rest of your eternity.  That’s kind of stiff.

And, so, I started questioning this and that was a key moment for me.  Later, I ended up taking it another step further. If you’ve never been shown what the punishment is, how can it mean anything? How can you have that impetus? It’s got to come from within, sure. You’ve got this doctrine. You’ve got Ten Commandments and maybe you’re following them and maybe you’re not. I was always good about a few of them, the lying and cheating and stealing and that kind of stuff but going to church on Sunday not as much and some of these other.

So you try your best, and actually, I’ve got a friend of mine, she and I just had an off-the-charts conversation where–she’s been struggling.  She’s trying to find her own way. She was actually led back to the Bible through metaphysical means.  Just messages that had come to her, hey you need to–or metaphysical (what I’m going to call metaphysical) serendipity kind of led her back to you need to look at the Bible. So she got into the Bible and–you know there are places in the Bible where you can get stuck. When it talks about slavery is a good idea or marry your sister; that’s the Old Testament stuff. I cautioned her to draw a line at much of the Old Testament stuff. Christ’s teachings; there’s a core, there’s a kernel. Devour it because that stuff–I haven’t seen anything wrong with Christ teachings–but yes; watch out for the Old Testament.

Through this course of this conversation she and I went up and up and up in this kind of this spiritual feedback, and it was that conversation that got me thinking I want more of that. I want to go out and I want to talk to people, and I want to have these conversations with people because as I was bringing clarity (or some sort of calmness) to what she was going through I was feeling exhilarated. I was feeling a connection. I was feeling, “Wow, this is something I want to do more of. This is a God-inspired moment.” I even came close to crying at one point during that conversation because I believe in what Christ had tried to provide us by His example. Yet there’s these moments in your life where you don’t think you can do it.

I know for me, years ago, I got myself worked up over a book. My mom had sent it to me and it was a book that had in it pictures of the stigmata.  It had pictures of the Children of Guadalupe receiving visions from the Holy Mother Mary. This book talked about the end of days and some of the revelations that came out through those visions and–I got myself worked up. I was reading this book at night, in my little studio apartment down in Florida, alone, and I terrified myself. I called up my mom close to tears and said, “Mom, how do I know I’m on the right path?  How do I know? I’ve got it in me! I know I could pick up and leave everything and go to the other side of the planet and administer the poor, heal the infirmed… I’ve got it in me. I know I’ve got it in me.  I don’t want to do that. Is God asking me to do that? Is Christ asking me to do that? I’ve got it in me, so all I’m doing is saying no.”

She said, probably the best thing she could have said when you’re child is 3,000 miles away and freaked out on the phone because they think they’re maybe being called to the other side of the planet to do the Mother Teresa thing. She said, “Matthew, you have been given a specific set of talents. It is your highest calling to use those talents to the best of your ability and make a change or make a difference in people’s lives with those talents.  Certainly, I’m not going to stop you, if you want to run to the other side of the planet and administer to those less fortunate than yourself but… relax.” And I did, I relaxed, I was like “Whew, okay. Alright, I’ll relax a little bit.”

But don’t we have that in us?  Don’t we all have that in us?  If Christ were to walk in the door right now and say, “Follow me,” would we be able to do it?

I don’t know. Now I’m even more entrenched in this life than I was back when I lived down in Florida. I’ve got the family, I’ve got friends, I’ve got a j-o-b, I’ve got a company. Could I follow Christ if he was–and if you knew it was Christ, if you knew, would you be jumping out of the boat and paddling to shore? I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do that. I would want to believe that I would and I could, especially, once you got hit with that “This is Christ” or “This is God.”

So, I don’t know. What I have opted for on a daily basis when I’m making this daily decision what to do, where to go, how to best follow in the path that lays in front of me, is I try to see God in everything. You’ve got these satori moments where you really know in your heart you’re seeing a glimpse of God. Whether it’s in the operating room and your third child has just been born and you’ve got this little bundle of waxy, crying, baby right there for the first time and it’s the first time you’ve seen this child. You’ve been talking to the child for the last ten months, (it’s not nine months, it’s ten months, folks) and this is the first time you’ve seen that child.  That’s a God moment, for me.

It could be on a dreary, cloudy day, just walking out in the cold air and nothing in particular happening, you’re just feeling the cold air on your face; that could be your God moment.

For me, as I began to prepare this talk, I began to think of all these sorts of stories that I might tell and I even wrote a couple down and been kind of blogging and that kind of stuff but I was beating myself up, thinking, “No, this isn’t it.”

There’s a little recorder that a mentor of mine offered me. I was working with this tool and getting used to it. It’s got a little time stamp on it, regardless of whether its on or off, you put batteries in it and it tells you the time.  Well, I never set the time on this thing and I sat down last night to kind of go through the spiel and the time stamp had 222 on it. Now for those of you who know anything about me, you know I’ve been sucked into number patterns for about seven, eight years now. Don’t know what they mean necessarily, but they seem to occur.  Like I had my grandfather died on November 11th, at 11:11.  Just weird patterns and numbers and when I’m in the thick of a spiritual something, I’ll be asking a question or something like just wondering and I’ll hit on a revelation or something and a car will drive by me and there’s a license plate that says 1919 or 333 or just a weird little sign to which I think, “Okay, I’ll just take it as that.”

Well, this little device said 222 on it and I’m like, “Okay, all right, it’s all about this talk, 222.” Well, my wife–years ago–had given me this book, Doreen Virtue, Numbers of Angels or Angel Numbers or whatever the title–I actually brought it here today. It essentially said, under 222 (you can look up all these numbers from zero to 999,) “They’ll get the message they need to get.”

Alright God! We’re just going to go out there, we’re just going to let it all hang out!

So I think my give to you in this little chat is: I think we’re all students of life, and I think we’re all making our way, even when we’re wondering whether or not we’re on the right path, we’re on the right path. I would say when you have these coincidences that pop up in your life or you hear the title of a book a couple of times in a row…

I just had this experience again; Food, Inc. Has anybody seen Food, Inc. yet? You will never look at chicken the same. I gave that experience. I was the third one in line to mention Food Inc. to somebody the other day and over the course of their week and I said, “Oh you need to listen to that. Go get it. It’s going to mean something to you.”

When you see these patterns try not to drive yourself crazy with them, obviously, but pay attention and ask. If you’re wondering what the patterns mean, follow them, especially if it’s something is innocuous as “Go get this book” or “Go watch this documentary.”

Listen to it; that’s my encouragement to you. Just listen to it. Look within, listen to the message when it comes up and if you’re wondering what the sign is supposed to be about–ask the question and I bet you get that answer too.

Thank you.

New Soul

I’m a new soul
I came to this strange world
hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
finding myself making every possible mistake

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la…

I’m a young soul in this very strange world
hoping I could learn a bit about what is true and fake
But why all this hate, try to communicate
finding trust and love is not always easy to make

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la…

This is a happy end
’cause you don’t understand
everything you have done
why’s everything so wrong?
This is a happy end
come and give me your hand
I’ll take your far away

I’m a new soul
I came to this strange world
hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take
but since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
finding myself making every possible mistake

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la…

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la….

Shakespeare's Monkey

“The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare.

“In this context, ‘almost surely’ is a mathematical term with a precise meaning, and the ‘monkey’ is not an actual monkey, but a metaphor for an abstract device that produces a random sequence of letters ad infinitum. The theorem illustrates the perils of reasoning about infinity by imagining a vast but finite number, and vice versa. The probability of a monkey exactly typing a complete work such as Shakespeare’s Hamlet is so tiny that the chance of it occurring during a period of time of the order of the age of the universe is minuscule, but not zero.

“Variants of the theorem include multiple and even infinitely many typists, and the target text varies between an entire library and a single sentence.” (Source: “Infinite monkey theorem”. Wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infinite_monkey_theorem. Retrieved 2010-03-09.)

Lecturers and students from the University of Plymouth wanted to test the claim that an infinite number of monkeys given typewriters would create the works of Shakespeare.

A single computer was placed in a monkey enclosure at Paignton Zoo to monitor the literary output of six primates.

But after a month, the six Sulawesi crested macaque monkeys – Elmo, Gum, Heather, Holly, Mistletoe and Rowan – had only succeeded in partially destroying the machine, using it as a lavatory, and producing five pages of text which consisted mainly of the letter “s”.

“The project, by students from the university’s MediaLab Arts course, received £2,000 from the Arts Council. The work was interesting but had little scientific value, except to show that the ‘infinite monkey’ theory is flawed.” said Dr Amy Plowman, Paignton Zoo scientific officer.

(Source: “No words to describe monkeys’ play”. BBC News. 2003-05-09. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/3013959.stm. Retrieved 2010-03-09.)

I believe God uses synchronicity and coincidence to speak to us. I don’t believe God’s Word has been encapsulated and is therefore limited to the pages of a single book. Of course, this opinion this may get me into trouble with some folks, however I have to confess I see evidence of Divinity at work everywhere, all the time. To be more direct, I believe God is in everything, everywhere–otherwise there is a limit on God, is there not?

To this last point, years ago I dove into a passionate theological debate with the older brother of a very dear friend of mine. Actually, the brother happened to be a father; a ordained Roman Catholic priest. I told him my understanding of God-Divinity included omnipresence; God is everywhere. He agreed–at first. Then, holding up a piece of silverware, I took him to, “God is this fork.” That did it.

“Nonono. God is not the fork, but only through God can the fork exist,” he said.

I said, “Well then there is something God isn’t, and therefore God has limits, and frankly, I just don’t believe that’s true.”

Around and around we went, each trying to convince the other. It was a wonderful bout of theological tug-of-war. Our other friends in our dinner party would occasionally listen in, but none wanted to commit to getting messy with us.

My priest friend agreed God was limitless and all powerful, but we never reached an agreement that God’s limits didn’t stop at the surface of that fork. I’m sure I ended up on his prayer list after that.

Over the years, I have had the good fortune of ending up on many prayer lists. This usually happens–not often during the dark times in my life–but more when a friend feels I’m off in the bushes, spiritually. For instance, when my wife and I became pregnant with our first child, I was added to a prayer list or two, mostly because those who knew us figured we were heading toward a train wreck. At that time, we had only dated a month and a half and our nubile relationship had been fiery and tempestuous. In fact, my wife had fully intended to break up with me on the day she found out she was pregnant. We had a raging fight the previous evening, which climaxed in the slamming my front door as she left for her apartment across town. Alone, I paced the house trying to decide whether to call or not to call. After 10 minutes, I concluded I would call. I picked up the phone, dialed her number, and heard someone dialing the phone in my ear.

“Hello?” she said.

“Hello,” I returned.

“Whoa. That’s creepy. I just picked up the phone–it never rang.”

(As she would confess later, she wasn’t calling me–she was calling her ex-fiancé, whom had only been her ex-fiancé for about two months. Do the math. Indeed, synchronicity seemed to have reached out and placed me in front of her. The timing was perfect. She told me had I called a moment before or a moment later, she would have refused to pick up the phone.)

I said I wanted to come over to her apartment to talk. She hesitantly agreed. (This was before years of counseling would teach me about the futility of pursuing during storms.)

Suffice it to say the face-to-face approach–while tensions were so high–did little to mend the rift between us that night. I eventually said the wrong thing and she asked me to leave amidst sobbing and tears.

[At this point in our story, you should know my wife had been recently told by a psychic friend she would be pregnant by the end of summer. This same friend had already correctly predicted the end to Grace's engagement (which had been met with incredulity,) so Grace was already watching for any incoming babies.]

The next morning marked the last day of summer that year. I believe it was September 21, 2004. I received a call at 7:30 that morning. She said, “There’s two lines.” I had no idea what she was talking about and she had not yet told me about this prediction. I thought for a moment she was referring to lines drawn in the sand. She was forced to clarify.

“I took a pregnancy test. There’s two lines.”

“Oh. I’ll be right over.”

By 7:45, I was sitting on the edge of her couch with the oracular “pee-stick” in my hands and what I saw confirmed it: two lines.

As I discovered, all sorts of thoughts rush in at a time like this. I hail from good, conservative Catholic stock. No doubt this pregnancy-out-of-wedlock would rock the family with scandal. I felt a number of things all at once. Among those feelings were astonishment, shame, alarm and budding resignation, in that order. As we talked about what to do next, the only thing that was clear in that moment was that I was going to be a father, God willing. Grace knew my staunch pro-life views and later would ask how I would have dealt with things had we not decided to stick together in the relationship, especially if she had not wanted to keep the baby. I told her I would have asked her to carry to full term and then I would have taken the child off her hands and made the best of being a single parent. She was apparently pleased by this.

We walked into work side-by-side that morning. Her apartment was only two blocks away from our office building. Throughout the day, we would email each other. At one point, we walked over to St. Mary’s cathedral, sat in the echoing silence and prayed. Afterward, we went outside and sat on the steps. It was that moment I think we decided to make a serious go of our relationship. We made plans to visit Target that evening and pick up a wonderful book called “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” Within a month, we also began seeing a professional counselor with the intent of working through our childhood junk so we might stabilize as a couple.

That was over five years and three kids ago. At the time of this writing, we’re pregnant with Number Four. We attended counseling for years, sometimes as a couple, but more often on our own. We’ve read books on parenting. We’ve watched shows on parenting. We’ve even taken a class on parenting. We love our children very much and are keenly aware of the herculean responsibility that comes along with bringing them into this world. We try our best and we try not to beat ourselves up when we fall short (and we do.)

Would I have ever seen my life going down this path? No. But just as I believe God is the fork, I also believe God is the journey and while I may not have foreseen this particular fork in the road, I certainly see Divine Design all through it.

Thank you to all of those who have ever placed me on their prayer lists.

I think it’s working.

Main Entry: syn·chro·nic·i·ty
Pronunciation: "si[ng]-kr&-'nis-&t-E, "sin-
Function: noun
Inflected Form: plural -ties
: the coincidental occurrence of events and especially psychic events (as similar thoughts in widely separated persons or a mental image of an unexpected event before ithappens) that seem related but are not explained by conventional mechanisms of causality —used especially in the psychology of C. G. Jung

Dictionary.com, “synchronicity,” in Merriam-Webster’s Medical Dictionary. Source location: Merriam-Webster, Inc. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/synchronicity. Available: http://dictionary.reference.com. Accessed: March 03, 2010.

Our home is beautiful. The waterfront plot is at least an acre in size. The backyard is terraced and there is a fenced area for the kids. The property is beautifully landscaped and requires very little maintenance. The three-car garage adjoins the house at an angle and the circle drive is always a blessing. We have some great trees that tie the composition of the property together nicely. Spanish tile covers the entire roof. The many large, energy-efficient windows flood the house with great natural light. Earth tones surround you as you pass through the heavy wooden doors over the threshold. A mix of ceramic tile, hardwood and world-inspired area rugs account for the floors throughout the house. This particular style of flooring also keeps dust low and cleaning easy. Everything about the house is low to no maintenance. The lack of yard in the front, the plant choices for landscaping, the roof, the floors; form and function meet beautifully. The climate here is temperate; not too hot, not too cold, while still allowing for mild changes in seasons. The skies are usually steady and clear. We live on the water, on an inlet (or cove?) and we often comment on how wonderful the breeze is as it blows up off the calm water below.

The sun is low and the clear sky is colored in orange, pinks and a deepening blue. As I return home, I pull my Jeep into our three-car garage and admire our home. Spanish-tile roof, adobe shell, beautifully landscaped and lots of windows.

I enter the house and am greeted by my four beautiful children, my smiling wife, the nanny and the wonderful aroma of dinner cooking. Within 10-15 minutes, we are all sitting down to eat and we compliment the nanny on yet another amazing meal. While our home has a formal dining room, we tend to save that for larger parties, choosing instead to eat at the table alongside the kitchen. Blue ceramic tile on the walls, thick, rough-hewn wooden beams lining the ceiling, granite countertops and warm colors adorn the kitchen. To the right of the range, a great set of pots and pans hang from a copper rack overhead.

The house has an immediate effect on people, as most comment on the warmth and love they feel as they cross over the threshold. They marvel at how good they feel here and Grace and I always enjoy complete harmony with our guests. We have people over for dinner all the time and we have made some really great life-long friendships since moving here.

Over dinner, our conversation is harmonious and nurturing. Everyone at the table feels heard, loved and appreciated. We always enjoy listening to and supporting each other and we truly appreciate one another, differences and all. The kids are excited about school and life and Grace is excited about her projects and volunteer work. The nanny sits with us and is considered a member of our family. We are all filled with a sense of completeness when we sit together over our meals (it is rare when we don’t share both breakfast and dinner together as a family.)

When we finish eating, the kids ask to be excused and take their plates to the sink. As the nanny begins to clean up, my wife and I sit and finish our conversation, then we go play with our kids, engaging them in their activities. The nanny finishes in the kitchen and says good night as she leaves for home. The kids run up to hug her and she returns their love with equally big hugs. She adores our whole family and we adore her. This person will be our nanny, then our housekeeper for a very long time.

Once the nanny leaves, we continue playing with the kids until it is time for books and bedtime. They go down peacefully and in complete comfort and security. They know at their cores, they are loved and safe, always.

My wife and I reconvene in the kitchen, talk a little, then kiss. From there, things heat up. Our relationship is mutually full of tenderness, warmth, compassion, listening, nurturing, respect, admiration, understanding, passion and love.

The prayer is not for greater abundance,
but instead to be made a larger vessel,
better able to allow God’s limitless abundance to flow through you.

(Originally written as an email to my wife on Sunday evening, Independence Day, 2004. We had just begun dating.)

Grace,
The church experience was like Jim and Tammy Fae meets the great Southern Baptist Revival. Wow. You know how I told you I had heard the service could last as long as three hours? Try three and a half. At first, I thought they were being hypnotized. I was watching for it, and indeed, I could see some techniques, but they had enough breaks that I don’t think that was the case. ;o]

First, everyone was very friendly and “God bless you” was the phrase of the day. I was an obvious stranger to their church for two reasons:

1. I was white.
2. I didn’t fall in line with the dress code of a dark suit (for the men. The women all wore white. I was glad I didn’t wear jeans. I kept thinking throughout the service, “What a beautiful group of people.”) The fact that I didn’t fall into this template gained me more attention, I think.

Everyone was very warm and welcoming, without being pushy. I didn’t see my friend at first, but I ran into one of her friends whom I see at her cube every now and again. We all mulled around outside the ‘auditorium’ (aside from the sign outside and some lettering over the theater doors, there was no way to tell this building was supposed to be a church.. no crosses anywhere) until they opened the doors (think Wharton Center.) I found a seat about midway down and Nateea saw me as she took her seat a few rows from the front. She motioned, asking if I wanted to come up there. I declined. She motioned again, asking me if I wanted her to come back there. I declined again. I’m glad I did. I think I might have slowed her down. Besides, my position made me more accessible for what was to come later.

The celebration started with singing. And swaying. That led to more singing. And clapping. And soon dancing in the aisles (their band was fantastic!) Then more singing. Then they paused to pass around communion, which they kindly asked that visitors or the non-saved not partake in (the Catholic church does the same thing.. it really bothers me.. I believe Christ intended his Body and Blood to be for everyone.. not a private club of initiated.) I was somewhat glad I got out of it, as the host was wrapped in cellophane packed on top of a little plastic shotglass of grape juice. Then they ate and drank and sang some more and had some folks be a-healed with the laying on of hands (this is where the gals usually swoon from the power of the Holy Spirit and their anointing.)

Finally, at some point (around Hour Two?), the pastor started to preach. His big message for today? “It’s done.” Whatever problems you’re facing, turn it over to the Lord, because it’s done. Impossible with men, but in the Lord, it’s already done. Funny. That’s been the message that’s been getting pounded into me for about a month now. Then the pastor asked for folks to come up front to get saved or receive a blessing. By now, I’m completely resigned to the idea that I’ll probably be up there, based on the message and the timing. Pastor spoke of acts of faith and stepping towards God. “For every one step towards God you take, He takes two,” Pastor Owens said.

If there was any doubt in my heart about going up there, some guy stepped up next to me and acted like, “Hey, how you been? Oh, wait, sorry–I thought I knew you from work. Say, you’re here today, would you like to go up and receive the pastor’s blessing?” (Real smooth.) “Sure,” I said. He didn’t have to ask, I was going up anyways, but I took this as an obvious sign. I was quickly passed up to the front where I met a young, sophisticated young man named Lacy, dressed in a Don Johnson suit. He reminded me of a thinner, African-American version of my Uncle Craig. Lacy asked me if I knew God and if I prayed and if I was saved. I said, yes, I try to know God and yes, I pray every day (twice a day these days) and when he asked me if knew God again, I finally said, “I’m Catholic.”

Grace, you should have seen it; it was a real conversation-stopper. Apparently, the Catholics are the Green Berets of the religious world, because at that point, he stopped trying to save me. Lacy gave me a hug, stood in back of me with his hands on my shoulders and faced me towards the preacher (who was still fervently preaching) as a couple gals were brought alongside. Lacy kept praying as the preacher’s helpers determined there were four of us to deal with: three sobbing, repentant women and me (the Catholic,) who was just grinning and standing stiff as a board the whole time. Starting with the gal on the far end, the pastor began anointing us with oil, complete with laying on of hands.

Interesting thing happened here. He got to the one pretty young gal standing next to me and took his time on her (she was really a wreck, but quietly so.. I could actually feel her pain radiating off her.) The pastor was going on about letting go of her unfortunate past, releasing the devil, releasing demons and then–this was weird–at the same time he said, “Oh, there he went!”, I thought I smelled something. There was a waft of something slightly rotten and sulfuric, then it was gone.

When he finished up with her, I was next. Got the dab of oil on the forehead, a prayer I become closer to God, then we knelt (‘cept for demon girl, who wasn’t responding much at this point.. they would give her a “You’re SAVED!” starter-kit of some kind after we went back to our seats.) Pastor then led us through a public confession (repeat-after-me style.. ..you just asked me yesterday when the last time was that I went to confession.)

After we were free to go, I turned and found myself heading down a line of guys who each came up and gave me a hug. Once I was all the way through, Lacy led me back to my original seat. He wondered why I had gone up. I used the pastor’s words: “Renewal” and “It’s done.” Satisfied, he smiled and thanked me for visiting.

We had a little multimedia presentation on the big screens, pastor blew a horn into the microphone and everyone clapped as the July birthdays in the congregation were called out to gospel music. [Insert random singing and dancing here.] Met up with Nateea, we picked up her kids from “Kids’ Church” (in one of the rooms down the hall from the auditorium) and she drove me to my car while I chatted with the kids about what they learned at church.

I thought about what your reaction to the whole thing would have been and I decided I was glad you weren’t there. You most likely would have pulled me into the aisles to dance along with most everyone else. I think you would have enjoyed it immensely.

Oh, and my odometer as I pulled up into the parking lot read 59695. Yeah. No kidding.

*whew!* After this, I went to hang out with the family, ate dinner, skipped rocks on my folks’ pond while the other two guys fished (had to say “No, I don’t want to fish” three times,) played with my nephew, watched movies (I had forgotten how wonderful “Gladiator” was,) then drove home and am now writing you. Full day.

[…]

Sleep tight, hon. Sweet dreams.
M

Yesterday was my birthday. I am now 37 years old. I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday morning and saw man in a gray, pinstriped three-piece suit and an unshaven face looking back at me. My heart was breaking a little at the time and I asked myself if this is what a mid-life crisis feels like.

There is a part of me that is still getting comfortable with the label of ‘man’ as opposed to ‘young man’ or ‘boy’. There was an older gentleman with whom I shared an elevator for a few moments as I was leaving the hospital earlier in the week. He wore a long black coat, buttoned, a red scarf, white hair and glasses. I was in his presence for less than a ten seconds but it was enough time for me to feel a difference between us. To me, he felt established in his career, established in his life, affluent and possibly influential. I considered my own sense of self in that moment and noticed I felt considerably less so.

Yesterday, when I looked in the mirror and saw the businessman looking back at me, I felt the label of ‘man’ and considered how alien it felt. For the past decade plus, I’ve felt as if I was in my early 20′s (and I certainly was not a man during my early 20′s!) I saw a man yesterday and marveled at him briefly. Then, to help convince myself of this mirage, I considered a number of things:

• I’m 37 years old. Yes, I know that’s young. Yes, I slowed my physical aging a couple years ago (I think I’ll live until I’m 189 or so. I think one of my cats is doing the same thing.)
• I am a married father with four kids under the age of 5.
• I have owned and operated a web design business for years now. I’ve been working with web pages for over 16 years.

Obviously, none of these items make a man a man, but these are the things that came to mind as my reflection stared back at me.

As for the sense of overwhelming confusion and aimlessness that has me wondering if I’m experiencing a “mid-life crisis”, I’ve been dealing with that now for the last month and a half and figured it was on its way out until it crept back in yesterday. For my birthday, my wife purchased us a visit to a massage therapist and after my time on the table (it was the first massage that made me understand why people get massages) I was feeling much better. By the evening, I felt as if I was in a healing hangover of sorts, even ending my workout after five minutes when I discovered how out-of-step and uncoordinated I was. Yesterday morning, I awoke with a short fuse and decided I would not attend my usual Tuesday networking group, choosing to stay home and work on paperwork until my next meeting later that morning. Sensing my intolerance and abruptness, my wife approached me gently as I sat at my desk and by the end of that short conversation I had broken down and cried.

I guess you could say I’m frustrated. My patience with my web work is waning and turning into avoidance and
resentment, even in the face of increasing volume. In contrast, I found myself looking forward to a speaking engagement that was scheduled for next month. When I received the news on Sunday this opportunity had fallen through, I think I was disappointed–not because I felt I missed a good marketing opportunity–but because I felt it was practice for the day when I would be out there speaking about matters of the spirit and really helping people. (This is a revelation as I write this.)

So yesterday morning, I found myself at my desk feeling listless and lost, not knowing which direction to move in to begin on the path to realizing my Perfect Day. I have a ton of web work to do, I feel, and have been feeling overwhelmed at the growing list of to-do’s. I’m feeling a little better now, but suffice it to say I know I’m going through something. My wife says I’m in a transformation and going through growing pains. Maybe. Maybe I’m just wigging myself out too. Maybe it’s the alignment of the planets. Maybe it’s male PMS. Maybe I’m just plain tired. I don’t know, but whatever it is, I want my clarity back. I used to have a vision for myself and my web work. Now, when I picture my Perfect Day, I don’t even see my web work. This is one of my points of consternation, I think.  I’ve been so sure on my direction, for so long, to now not see where I’m going is making my current efforts feel empty and meaningless. Before, it was always moving from one site to the next, one customer to the next, knowing that I was building something and helping people. Now? Now, I feel like things are taking too long to move. I’m feeling like I’ve been working for too hard, for too long, and I desperately want to relax and to know at the end of the day, I don’t have to do the next project or the next thing. I’ve come to a place where my work is now more ‘have to’ and less ‘want to’, it seems.

So, how do I get back to ‘want to’, then? And when I get back to ‘want to’, what will it be that I want, if not the web work that has occupied my dreams for the past decade and a half? I’ve asked the question, but apparently I’ve been too dense lately to hear the answer because it’s not being read through my fog of un-clarity. So I’ll tap on it, clean on it, write about it, pray about it and maybe–just maybe–it will come to me.

Ho’oponopono (the abridged version here) says to let go, let God and clean, clean, clean, using a number of mantra-esque prayers and tools. The practice of setting your intent says to focus on what you want, feel good in that and remove your focus from that which you don’t want. Is there a balance to be stricken between the two? Do we let go and give it all to Divinity to direct, essentially giving up creative license (and therefore responsibility?) for our own lives? Were we not given the ability to create so we could join God in the process of co-creation? Or do we move in a direction, based on desires–worldly or inspired–and intentionally (or accidentally) manifest along the way? I’ve seen both work, but when coming from a place of confusion (as I’m apparently choosing in this moment,) would it not make sense to give it up to God until I find my desire again? Actually, yes, maybe that’s what I need to do. Maybe I just need to sit in the confusion for a bit and find peace with it. Let go of the anxious feeling of being unmotivated and derailed, and simply be okay with treading water for a bit. A mentor suggested this to me yesterday and I feel she may be right.

I guess that’s what I’ll do. I’ll return to patience with the process and take time to breathe for now. I’ll place this post before it goes another day and I’ll do my best to relax. I have so many great things going on in my life right now, I’ve got plenty I can focus on until I find my direction again.

Amen.

p.s.- Interestingly, an opportunity to speak at a local church presented itself yesterday; two days after the previous opportunity blew up. Obviously, this will be a different talk; less web-centric and more “spiritual journey“.